


Drifting Between Floes

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Bad Dreams, F/F, Nightmares, Reader-Insert, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 14:09:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12278154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Song is Devil in Me by Halsey.Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Drifting Between Floes

Where were you?

All of a sudden, you looked up from where you were, your face heated against the cold concrete, unaware of how you ended up here. You looked around, trying to ascertain your surroundings, when you noticed walls on either side of you; they were cold to the touch and slick with dew. 

Though dim in your immediate field of vision, as you looked back you saw a light, slowly illuminating everything. Backed by the light stood a shadowy figure of some kind. At first, you didn’t know what it was, but as your eyes focused and you became aware of your surroundings, you saw who it was.

Elle.

Without thinking, you started to crawl toward her, attempting to put weight on your legs with no luck. “Why can’t I move?” You asked, whispering to the walls around you, seemingly the only things that could hear you. Your legs were out of commission so your arms made up the slack, grabbing onto the nooks and crannies in the floor of the tunnel and pulling yourself forward at alarming speed.

She was so close.

You had to get to her.

But like a bad dream, the more you crawled the further away she seemed to be.

Faster and faster, you scraped across the floor, your fingers bleeding and raw by the time you lost your energy. She was still there - standing at the end of the tunnel - but you were no closer than before.

“Elle!” You cried. Your throat burned with the force of your screams. “Elle! Wait!”

Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  
Gotta wake up, gotta wake up  
Gotta wake up, come back to life

When you pushed up off the couch, you wiped your mouth dry and shook your head, combing through your hair in an attempt to wake up from the feverish nightmare you’d just endured. It always felt so real. “Bad dream?” She asked. You’d fallen asleep before she’d gotten off from work; you hadn’t even heard her walk in.

“Yea,” you replied, letting your head fall into your hands. 

This had been happening all the time lately. You would wake up from a bad dream, she’d ask what happened in it, you’d tell her, and then when she asked if you thought it meant anything, you’d begin to tell her. How your insecurities plagued you day in and day out. How you couldn’t compare to her in any way. How you were afraid you’d let her down. But every single time, she’d say that you could never do that and that she loved you. Although you knew she meant it, that she loved you, your anxiety said otherwise, and the further the conversation got, the louder you’d be (out of frustration rather than anger), leading to her walking away dejected that she couldn’t change your mindset with a few sweet words.

You never expected things to change so simply; your only wish was that she would understand that and listen rather than dismiss you and walk away. Granted, her job was horrific; she dealt with bullshit all day long and then came home to your surmounting anxiety, but having a difficult job didn’t mean neglecting the other pieces of your life, and that’s how you’d started feeling as of late.

I won’t take anyone down if I crawl tonight  
But I still let everyone down when I change in size  
And I went tumbling down tryna reach your high  
But I scream too loud if I speak my mind

When your anxiety had nowhere to be placed, you became angry, spiraling as your thoughts jumped from one to the next, like jumping from ice floe to ice floe in search of safety with none in sight.

That’s when it was dangerous to be around - not physically, but emotionally. You’d say things you didn’t mean and do things you wouldn’t normally do because you weren’t being heard. 

Since spiraling thoughts led to uncontrollable outbursts, you’d gotten into the habit of isolating yourself from the ones you loved, and specifically Elle. When she tried to talk to you during these moments, her words threatened to wake up the worst in you - and no matter the troubles in your relationship, she didn’t deserve to be at the end of that.

I don’t wanna wake it up  
I don’t wanna wake it up  
I don’t wanna wake it up  
The devil in me

“Elle?” You asked, your voice flat as you turned around to meet her gaze.

She eyed you wearily. She could see that something was going on behind your eyes - the wheels were turning, but what you were thinking, she didn’t know. “What’s wrong?”

This was going to hurt her and that was the last thing you wanted, but in the long term, if there was to be one, it would serve you both well. “I…I think I need to step away from us for a little while.” To her, it might have seemed out of nowhere, but you’d been wondering for a while. This anxiety was overwhelming; you were starting to crawl out of your skin and you wanted the chance to actually be with Elle, not this constant drifting - these few minutes where you felt well enough to talk to her in a way that she deserved.

“What do you mean?” She asked, dropping her glass into the sink and coming to sit next to you on the couch. “Why?”

Taking a deep breath and unclenching your fists took much more work than it should have. “I have serious anxiety issues. You know it. I know it. And I’m crawling out of my skin. You can’t be here to help me through it all the time because of work, and I can’t work through it by myself. I need to go see someone. I need to actually like who I am - love myself, so that I can love you like you deserve.”

Elle swallowed hard, not wanting to accept your words as truth but knowing they were. “But I love you…”

“I know…” You breathed. “But there are things about me you can’t or won’t understand, and even if you did, they won’t go away. I need to take care of myself.” 

She leaned in and pressed a kiss to your lips. “I understand,” she replied, the corner of her mouth twitching as a tear fell down her cheek. “I’ll be here. Take your time. But please know that I’m here for you.”

Nodding, you stood up off the couch. This conversation had been enough to drain you for days. The desire to lie back down was strong, but you were afraid if you didn’t get up and leave now you assumed you’d continue coasting just as you were, so you stood up, grabbed your bag and walked toward the door, glancing back one last time hoping that the next time you laid eyes on her, you’d be on more stable ground - no longer drifting.

You said I would’ve hit the ceiling  
You said I  
You said I should eat my feelings  
Head held high


End file.
